Navigating my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly enjoyable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, in that I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Every time I begin to date any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to have sex with other men once more.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to maintain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men have open relationships, but from my observations, they appear demanding, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I fear the psychological toll this might create. Is it best to continue to have casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your ability to handle various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and discover some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you could encounter a person who provides a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Worrying about what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is merely anxiety-based and squandering of your efforts. Aim to stay in the moment with your partners, and see the worth of each person you connect with intimately an intimate bond. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- The psychotherapist practices as a American therapy professional who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
