These Words from A Parent Which Helped Me when I became a New Dad

"In my view I was merely just surviving for twelve months."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey thought he would to handle the demands of being a father.

However the actual experience quickly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems surrounding the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. All of a sudden he was forced into becoming her chief support while also taking care of their infant son Leo.

"I took on each nighttime feed, every change… every walk. The role of both mum and dad," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his parent, on a park bench, that made him realise he required support.

The simple words "You aren't in a healthy space. You must get some help. How can I help you?" paved the way for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and start recovering.

His experience is far from unique, but rarely discussed. Although society is now better used to discussing the strain on mums and about PND, not enough is spoken about the struggles new fathers encounter.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan believes his difficulties are symptomatic of a broader inability to talk among men, who still hold onto damaging notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets smashed and remains standing with each wave."

"It's not a display of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that quick enough," he adds.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a expert who studies mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can think they are "not the right person to be seeking help" - especially in preference to a mother and child - but she stresses their mental health is just as important to the unit.

Ryan's chat with his dad offered him the chance to ask for a pause - taking a couple of days away, separate from the domestic setting, to gain perspective.

He understood he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotional states alongside the practical tasks of taking care of a newborn.

When he opened up to Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she longed for" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Self-parenting

That realisation has reshaped how Ryan sees being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will look at as he matures.

Ryan hopes these will help his son to more fully comprehend the language of emotional life and make sense of his parenting choices.

The idea of "reparenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also felt keenly since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four.

During his childhood Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Even with having an "incredible" relationship with his dad, deep-held difficult experiences resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "coming and going" of his life, complicating their relationship.

Stephen says repressing emotions led him to make "bad decisions" when younger to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that don't help," he notes. "They may temporarily change how you are feeling, but they will eventually exacerbate the problem."

Advice for Getting By as a First-Time Parent

• Talk to someone - if you feel overwhelmed, confide in a trusted person, your partner or a counsellor how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the pursuits that allowed you to feel like yourself before becoming a parent. Examples include playing sport, meeting up with mates or a favourite hobby.
• Don't ignore the physical stuff - a good diet, physical activity and when you can, resting, all play a role in how your mental state is faring.
• Connect with other new dads - sharing their experiences, the challenges, and also the good ones, can help to put into perspective how you're feeling.
• Understand that requesting help is not failure - looking after yourself is the best way you can care for your loved ones.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally struggled to accept the loss, having not spoken to him for many years.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's committed not to "perpetuate the cycle" with his own son and instead provide the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a outburst, for example, they try "shaking it out" together - expressing the emotions safely.

The two men Ryan and Stephen say they have become better, healthier men since they confronted their struggles, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their children.

"I'm better… sitting with things and handling things," states Stephen.

"I expressed that in a note to Leo last week," Ryan says. "I said, sometimes I believe my job is to guide and direct you how to behave, but in reality, it's a exchange. I'm learning an equal amount as you are on this path."